Musings of the Silver Cat

You Are Fantasy / Sci Fi

You have an amazing imagination, and in your mind, all things are possible.

You are open minded, and you find the future exciting. You crave novelty and progress.

Compared to most people, you are quirky and even a bit eccentric. You have some wacky ideas.

And while you may be a bit off the wall, there's no denying how insightful and creative you are.

When you lose your job you lose so much more than "just" the money. At first, when I lost my job, there were many practical things to deal with. Since I live in a very bureaucratic country one of my first tasks was to fill in forms and collect certificates that had to be delivered to the right addresses. The job center, the union etc. I had to prove that I was really unemployed, that I didn't have any hidden income and that I was able and "willing" to "take" a job. Willing - of course I was willing, otherwise I would starve. Starvation feeds willingness. And to "take" a job - of course I would be happy to "take" any job that was offered to me, but after applying to more jobs than I can remember it's obvious that no one will.

It's not only the financial part that gets you down. When you have to think about if you can take that bus or if you can't because you need to buy groceries and pay the bills. What also happens is that you risk losing yourself. You tend to keep to yourself so you won't have to answer the traditional questions or respond when people take things for granted.

"What do you DO all day?"

What do they think? Applying for jobs of course. Trying to find ways to cut costs. Baking and cooking to stay alive on a budget.

"Of course there are jobs if you want them." Sure there are jobs, but since I'm not the only one who's lost my job, there's a lot of us wanting a job. If there are 400 applicants for one position, you can do "everything" right and still not even get asked to come to an interview.

Another question that seems innocent, but that hurts a lot is 'What do you do? - meaning 'what kind of work do you do?'. I never felt that I WAS my job. What I worked with had nothing to do with who I was. But people do make that connection and when you don't have a job you stop being someone. From one day to another I went from being someone to being nothing.

I once had someone comment on my blog, telling me I should stop whining, get myself an education and get a job. I'm sure he was convinced that I was fresh out of school, too lazy to get an education. And that I was lazy and didn't want a job. At that time I had only been unemployed for about 2 weeks. I answered that and told him that I had been working in the same place since 1999. If I was so lazy, how come I had been working there for so long?

And as for getting an education - I'm sure I had a much better education than he did. Apart from my BA, I have read other subjects at the university as well other types of courses. He never answered me in my blog and didn't approve my comment in his blog. His comment says so much about how people in general view those who have lost their jobs. We're lazy, we don't want to "take" a job and we have been too lazy to get an education. And when someone challenges their opinions, their world view, if you like, they just stay away, nursing their own version of the truth.

The worst part, though, is that after a while, you start believing in those other people. Not about being lazy, I know I'm not. And not about not having an education, A quick look through my CV tells me that's not right. But that I'm a nobody, a nonperson. And I 'm afraid that other people will think so. I seem to find proof of that everyday. Other people are so wrapped up in their own worlds that they won't see me anymore. No one calls, emails or keeps in touch. And when I don't even get an acknowledgement from companies where I've applied for jobs, then it does seem to confirm that their image of me is true. I have lost myself.

Oh I know, it sounds a bit like a cliché, but when I read about it on a website, I felt that it was talking directly to me. I know I would really need to change my life. I feel I've ended up in some kind of vacuum from where I don't know where to do next. Of course I have made plans and I'm working on putting them into effect, but if I don't believe in myself it will be difficult. That's why I've decidet to try this method I found on that website. Today is the first day of the 7 step program. The idea is to do this programs several times and if it works out I will:).

DAY 1: Re-charge - A Day of Commitment

Clean out your old thought patterns. Don't think: "I can't", or "why does this always happen to me?". Instead, try to find solutions where you only used to see problems. Try to think: "I can do this", "I  know I'm good at this".

Create a mental hideway where you feel safe when you need to recharge your batteries. It could be a meadow on a beautiful summer day or a deserted shore or whatever suits your needs. If you start to fall back on your old negative thoughts then withdraw to your own private place.

Put on some music you like. Shut out the ordinary life for a little while and just take care of yourself. Visit your own place and start your journey towards a better life.  It's your life so don't let other people or your own negative thoughts stop you from living the life you could be living. I'm already on my way to a better life.:)

My Mac died today and with it, all those files I should have backed-up ages ago. I have been promising myself for a long time that I will never let that happen again and still it did. I let it happen. All those files I had gathered during the months I have had it. Since I always do lots of things on the computer and since I'm unemployed I had a lot saved on it.

There was this folder with photos all sorted after date and camera. Everything is gone. I had several wordpress themes with photoshop files needed for it all half-ready. They are gone too. Other graphics, finished or half finished. Gone too. And of course all notes and my calendar and info about mail servers etc. It feels like half of my life is gone.

But the worst part is that all my ideas for stories and half finished stories are gone and my almost finished novel. I have never in my life finished a novel and this was almost done. I would have sent it in to publishing companies this spring. Now I don't know how to go on. How do I start over?

A very dear friend of mine had a blog post about her life as a cake. First it made me a bit sad because my cake looked so different from hers. Then I changed my mind, so this is my life - my cake. My plate with the cake looks a bit different. Some of the pieces are only made up of one layer and some are very nice with lots of cute decorations like marzipan roses and leaves. Some only have crumbles left because someone ate parts of them. Here are the pieces:

Myself: Yes I’m part of the cake. Can’t really avoid it, can I? I’m always there, can’t run away from myself, no matter how much I try.

Health: This part of the cake looks rather shabby. Portions of it has been eaten, even though it seems to have been a very nice cake from the start. It has lots of layers and decorations. I can’t remember inviting anyone to taste it, but I must have.

Kids: I have been ordering a piece of that from the bakery for years but so far they haven't delivered. I really must have that to make my cake complete.

Home: This piece seems to be made from different cakes that are just smashed together to build a piece. I want the real part that I ordered years ago.

Boyfriend: They never delivered that piece either. Over the years, they’ve delivered replacement cookies, but never a part of a cake. I remember that I had a part years ago, but somone must have eaten it.

Work: Someone ate it. I really should stay away from the friends that keeps eating my cakes.

Creativity: One of the nicest parts of the cake. Very high and with lots of nice decorations and layers.

Family: Few layers, but a very big part of the cake with nice decorations on it.

Friends: Only a few layers but still a big part of the cake.

There you have it, my life as a cake. It could have been a very nice and beautiful cake if all the pieces I’ve ordered had arrived and if I had stayed away from the friends that kept stealing from the cake. What does your cake look like?

I usually do my grocery shopping for the whole month. I do that because I can’t afford to buy anything I really don’t need. It’s also stupid even if I could afford it. It's because I don’t have a driving licence, but mostly because I want to save our environment that I choose to do my shopping on foot with my shopping trolley.

It might not look all that cool to use one, but a lot has changed since those beige tartan checked ones that I remember from my childhood. And isn’t our environment worth some sacrifices?

Today I was up early to do my shopping. I imagined it would be less crowded at that time, but I was wrong. The store was filled with elderly women and men. Mostly women. Men seem to be the ones to do the weekend shopping. The few men that I saw were pushing the shopping carts and the women picked up the groceries.

These older people didn’t seem all that thrilled about shopping. At least they were in a bad mood. All of them seemed to feel that I was blocking their way with my shopping trolley. Not them, with their big shopping carts or walkers. Where are all the little ladies I remember from my childhood? The ones who dragged around their small shopping trollies on foot to pick up their milk and loaf of bread.

Lots of today's new retired people drive around in their big expensive petrol drinking cars and their cold cuts and semi-manufactured articles. These babyboomers that never had to think about what they spent. Those who just fell into the job market and landed great jobs effortlessly and are now living off fat pensions. They seem to think that worrying about the environment is for others. They can afford to do as they please. Someone else will have to worry about their grandkids.

Those old people, who were sneering at me and my trolley, were using up just as much space in the store, but clearly I was the one who was in the way. Despite that, I'm not going to cave under the pressure. I'll keep pulling my trolley for the sake of the environment, no matter how uncool it may look. Though I am considering doing my shopping late in the evening. Maybe then I'll be allowed to shop too.

Have you thought about how a bunch of keys can tell you a lot about a person? Do you have something attached to it? Like a plasticized photo? Or a teddy bear maybe? Or do you have chain in it? The teddy bear can make you feel safe. The photo shows who you care about. The chain can help you find the keys in a messy bag.

But a bunch of keys can show so much more. Recently, that occurred to me when looking at my decreasing collection of keys. Keys can symbolize status, responsibility, activity or even an entire life. Sound strange? Let me explain my reasoning.

If you lead an active life perhaps you have the key to your summer cottage, speedboat, garage, storage room etc. Many keys can also be a sign of responsibility at your workplace. Front door, your own private office, main key to several doors, keys to cupboards etc.

On the other hand, if you’re unemployed you don’t have any keys to any work place. If you’re poor you can’t afford a car, so no car key, key to your garage etc. I remember how sad my grandfather was when he moved in with my mother after my grandmother died. He didn’t have any home of his own so he didn’t need a key. No key, no life.

It must be how the poor men and women moving into an old folk’s home feel. Must be like becoming a kid again. Someone else has the responsibility. Someone else is in charge.

I’m hoping that I’ll soon have a bigger bunch of keys. If I get that job I’m hoping to get, I’ll get a key to my work place. I love the accessories, the chain, the teddy bear and all that. but a bunch of keys with only the key to my home feels empty and sad.